Twin Truths Part Two

I have to confess, for good or bad, that my life in the past few years has pretty much been defined by being a twin mum. It is the most profound, challenging, knackering and rewarding thing that I will ever do. And it gives me something to moan about, which is always useful.

The Ups

If you have had twins you can pretty much do anything. The skills it teaches (as with all parenting, but with an added bit of chaos thrown in) are vast. You have never truly multi-tasked unless you have counseled a friend through a relationship break up via speaker phone, simultaneously changing two nappies and paying your credit card bill or expressed milk through a industrial sized double breast pump while calming two screaming babies with your feet. But by far the greatest thing about being a parent of multiples is the smug superiority you feel over The Others. When parents of twins get together we do tend to bemoan parents of singletons. You see it is the only way we can get through the long days and even longer nights.

The downs

Now don't get me wrong, I do honestly believe that child rearing (regardless of the number of children you have) is incredibly difficult and us parents are frequently too harsh on ourselves (and too judgmental of others). But I am sure that many twin parents will agree that it is not unusual to experience the bizarre opinion that having two babies at the same time is only a little bit harder than having one. My scrumptiously yummy mummy friend Lady J of The Mount (ooh, I like that - sounds like she should have a side line in erotic fiction) provides a succinct response: when you have bathed, dressed, fed and cuddled your ONE baby to sleep take off its romper suit and do it all over again. Actually she would never cuddle a baby to sleep - that is a luxury for parents of singletons. 

Is it twice as hard to have twins? Decide for yourself:

The risks: Compared to parents of singletons you are significantly more likely to suffer from a plethora of medical complications, including pre-eclampsia, obstetric cholestasis, gestational diabetes and postpartum haemorrhage. More than half of twins are born prematurely (and around 10% before 32 weeks) and in approximately 50% of twin births at least one baby will spend time in a special care baby unit. Statistically, the parents of twins are also more likely to suffer from post natal depression, financial difficulties and relationship break downs.

Pregnancy: You soon begin to resemble a barrage balloon; a one woman, two foetus, waddling freak show. Here is a conversation about me when I was 6 months pregnant and walking up the stairs (a miracle in itself):

Colleague #1 “Wow, you don't even look pregnant from behind”

Colleague #2 “But you do from space”

Birth: I concede that the BOGOF deal may sound ideal, but contemplate a twin birth a little longer. while most women endure agonising pain and are handed a baby as a reward we have to endure agonising pain, a baby who is whisked off to NICU and then attempt to push out another child who, after months of being squashed, has decided to go for an upside down swim. Trust me, there are places you do not want obstetricians' arms to reach. They may as well have gone up there with a head torch and a rope. I once met a poor woman who delivered one baby vaginally and two hours later had c section for the second. Isn't this the mediaeval definition of being drawn and quartered? They probably had to suture her legs back on.

Night feeds: our early record of feeds is chilling. Each baby took one hour to change, feed and wind. Each needed to feed every two hours. Do the maths.

Breast feeding: Damn and curse those women who sit in coffee shops drinking a skinny lattes and reading novels with their surreptitiously placed infant suckling sweetly under a fashionably draped pashmina. To breast feed twins you need to be sat on a 4 seater sofa, stripped to the waist and surrounded by so many cushions that a queue forms outside thinking a new Ikea has opened.

Crying: twice as much and twice as loud. “Do they wake each other up” Are you stupid?

Weaning: twice as much pureed pumpkin smeared onto twice as many skin surfaces and into twice as many orifices that, significantly, are not buccal cavities. Twice as much washing.

crawling and walking: tag teams marauding in opposite directions, a multitude of opportunities to strangle themselves on their sibling's reins and a double buggy so heavy that you are invited to join the Olympic power lifting team. Trips to the park require 20 pages of risk assessment and the twin parent needs valium/gin/rioja after having to smile sweetly at the mum with her 1 year old and (sleeping) baby who claims "it's just like having twins". 

Toilet training: twice as much sh*t. Twice as much washing.

Illness: having to decide which of your sick kids is the sickest, as exemplified by one of my many norovirus experiences in which I prioritised explosive green diarrhoea over projectile lumpy vomit. It was the death knell for the carpet.

Bathtime: a daily opportunity for drowning.

Parenting blunders and unconditional love: you never have the opportunity to learn from your mistakes, you just make them in duplicate safe in the knowledge that your twins will always love each other more than they love you.

Parents of twins: twice as brilliant? You bet we are. 

 

Post Script: I don't want to say this too loudly but, if I am totally honest, being a parent of twins is the most amazing privilege :)