Too Intelligent for Iggle Piggle?

This blog is in response to an article in the Daily Mail entitled “The women who think they're too clever to have babies”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2236467/The-women-think-theyre-clever-babies-Theyre-educated-dynamic-careers--believe-motherhood-beneath-them.html#ixzz2CxOT7z6o

Actually (considering it is from the Daily Fail) it isn't a bad article. But I am afraid I came at it with my Feminist Hat on and, as often is the case, the issues that leaped out for me in the “child free versus child” debate were those that were omitted.

I completely understand why some women chose not to have kids *. The fact that women in the late 20^th and early 21^st century are in a position to even make this choice is something that we must never take for granted (in much of the world women still do not have the economic, educational and reproductive health freedoms that we have). It is slightly incredible that a sane, successful, solvent person would give up a good disposable income, sex and weekend lie-ins for years of sleepless nights, turbulent relationships, toddler tantrums, snot, sick and sh*t (oh my word, there is just so much sh*t) and a monthly expenditure that try as you may always exceeds income.

One woman stated “Having children alters a woman’s personality. It makes them boring to me”. I hold my hands up to this completely – baby talk is very dull. Even as a mother there gets to a point where you do not wish to know any further detail about little Charlie's bowl habits, how frequently Elizabeth woke in the night or the new additions to Alfie's vocabulary. But I am equally driven to pull out my own eye lashes by intricate office politics explained ad infinitum by the utterly tedious people who have nothing else in their lives other than work and who believe themselves to be indispensable. And I won't be held responsible for what happens to the next person that puts 300 photos on Facebook of this year's 7^th exotic holiday whale watching/ice diving/Himalayan trekking. Having small children doesn't automatically make you intrinsically dull, some people are like that anyway.

Is saying Motherhood is the “hardest job” simply "a smart way to satiate unappreciated women" as one commentator suggested? Yes, it is very difficult if you define “hard” as 24/7, physically and emotionally exhausting with no clocking off time and no toilet breaks (well unless you call having to end a fight between 2 two year olds while changing a tampon a “break”). Challenging and demanding it is, mentally stimulating it is most certainly not. So yes, it occasionally pains me when I know at the end of a long day my husband has designed a telephone network that keeps the London Stock Exchange running yet the most important decision I have made all day is which nozzle to use in my piping bag (not a euphemism). I do at times feel frustrated – there are days where I wonder of what further use a science degree and a masters will be. Although I suppose my PGCE does come in useful (once I have relocated that star chart and reminded myself that extreme shouting and locking children in the under stairs cupboard are no longer deemed appropriate sanctions for misbehaviour).

But this statement worried me:

‘You can be too intelligent to have children. To reach your full intellectual potential you need to be childless. If you are a thinking woman it’s more sensible not to become a parent.’

It depresses me to think that in the 21^st century there still has to be a choice between being educated and successful or being a mother. After all this is not a choice that most men have to make. Why is it that people forget that children have fathers too? I fully respect a woman or a man for choosing to not have children. But I question what proportion of those women who “put their careers first” would actually, in a perfect world, not like to have the opportunity to have both a fulfilling career and a family life? I suppose it could be argued that biology is against us: often the critical stage in a woman's career coincides with declining fertility (late 30s early 40s). But is this not just a social construct? How many men make a serious decision to sacrifice their careers in order to have kids? Until it becomes socially acceptable (and practical) for the the whole child rearing business to divided equally between both parents then this debate will just keep on going. Let's hope my daughter truly has all the opportunities of her brother born 13 minutes after her.

Gemma x

* I am not in anyway trying to belittle the experiences of those who for whatever reason are unable to have children when they desperately want to. And yes I am truly grateful for the healthy existence of my two little brats.