Toddler Science

Toddler Science

It seems that try as I may I can not escape the fact that I was once, in a former life (the one of lie ins and perusing the Sunday papers), a science teacher. My poor three year old twins already know the difference between breathing and respiration and I once caught them arguing over whether a picture of a nondescript amphibian was a salamander or a newt. The teaching I do now is altogether different- really just a form of damage limitation/ prevention of death. But science is truly all around us. Hang out in my house with a couple of toddlers and you will learn a lot*. Michael Gove eat your heart out.**

*If I could be bothered it would be amusing to cross reference this to QCA standards but quite frankly I can't be arsed, especially as OFSTED doesn't visit Stay at Home Mums. Thank f*ck.

**If anyone can come up with some rhyming slang for Michael Gove that are as superbly appropriate as the obvious that springs into mind for Jeremy Hunt then please let me know. Better still send it to David Cameron as he now has a Twitter account (and a public relations officer than needs retraining).

Biology

Paleaontology: this should be on the National Curriculum as dinosaurs are an obsession of any child under 10. It also adequately explains the “baby brain” phenomenon – if you can accurately identify 200 species of long extinct animals and easily distinguish between a Styracosaurus and an Avimimus then there is little thought space left for any thing else (other than picking socks off the floor).

Physiology: it is possible to sneeze twice but the third time is to be avoided whenever possible. Pelvic floor? On a good day mine is more of a mezzanine.

Drugs education: Dear Children - Stimulants (specifically caffeine) must be administered to Mummy in the morning before she will acknowledge your existence or respond in any meaningful way. Dear Long Suffering Husband – Ethanol (preferably in gin/real ale/Rioja) must be administered to Wonderful Wife by 7.02pm before she will acknowledge your existence or respond in any meaningful way. Note Bene “respond” does not mean “have sex with”. That would require a vasectomy (and for you to pick your socks off the floor and put them INTO THE WASHING BASKET).

Physics

Pendular motion (no, not my boobs without a bra): Honey, if you stand in front of the swing it will smack you in the head.

First law of thermodynamics: energy can be neither created nor destroyed it is simply transferred directly from parent to toddler.

Second Law of thermodynamics: you know, that stuff to do with entropy that I never quite understood. Well I do now, as does Long Suffering Husband when he returns home at 6.30pm to two toddlers rampaging around the bomb site formally known as Our Home. From order to increasing disorder...

Newton's Third Law of Motion: action and reaction are equal and opposite. Action = Irritant #1. Reaction = Irritant #2. Apply for situations involving pushing, hitting, biting, throwing, “sharing” and “taking tuns”.

Chemistry

Oxidation: No Son, you can't play with your tape measure in the bath it will go rusty (this is not a euphemism for any other type of “playing” that may continue throughout life).

Structure and Bonding: forget the covalent and ionic type, the strongest bond in the universe is that formed between Weetabix and any surface e.g. ceilings, walls, floors, skin, hair (especially hair). There is a directly proportional correlation between the strength of the bond and the speed with which Weetabix hit said surface.