Twin Truths Part One

My first post seemed to have a pleasing reception so I am now feeling the pressure. Will I be a one hit wonder? Quite possibly. I may well alienate most of my friends with the next couple of posts which will be about twins. Sadly they will be lacking in science (I will make up for this in due course).

Twin Truths Part One

For three years I have been smiling sweetly at the ubiquitous “Ooh you've got your hands full there love”, “Double Trouble” and “Are they identical?”. With newborn twins it can take 2 hours to buy a loaf of bread. I seriously considered carrying a placard with our vital statistics (33 weeks gestation, 2 weeks special care, 4.5lbs bla bla bla). Interestingly enough by the time your tantrumous twins are 2 years old you are no longer revered as maternal goddess but treated as the Antichrist. This is a summary of all the things I should have said to the nosy general public:

“Are they identical?” The one dressed in blue has a penis and the one dressed in pink has a vagina (although I don't really approve of such gender biased clothing it just made my life easier to avoid that question. Sometimes I would swap it around for a bit of a change).

“Yes, but are they identical?” Are you stupid?

“How were they conceived?” On my hands and knees after a 5 pints of beer. Mind your own business.

Did you have IVF? Don't be ridiculous, I wouldn’t have paid for them.

“Aaah you are blessed” I am sodding knackered.

“I wish I had twins” You have clearly never been in a neonatal intensive care unit then have you?

“Are there twins in your family?” Yes, they were stillborn (my Grandmother's).

“It will be easier because they will help settle each other to sleep” Are you stupid?

“It will be easier for you though because they will share better” From the moment they are conceived they have to fight for limited resources: for space in utero, for your attention, for your time, over the two identical beakers of juice measured to an accuracy of 1ml.

“There is a 9 month age gap between my two children. It's just like having twins” Are you stupid?

“A ready made, perfect family” Yes, I bought them off Ebay.

“Should I buy them a birthday card each” Did you share birthday cads with your siblings? Maybe they should have half as much food too?

“It is easier for you because you have to be organised and regimented” You have one child, a cleaner and a mum who does over night baby sitting. Your life is a piece of p*ss. But if you want to believe that in order to make yourself feel better in the face of your obvious inferiority, be my guest.

There, that feels better. Eek.